Your Experience as a Woman Is Not TMI
The number of women, including friends, colleagues, and acquaintances, who have said something to me along the lines of "sorry if this is TMI but…" and then proceeded to talk about something that is a completely normal part of being a woman is astounding.
It happens so frequently that I feel like I missed a memo saying we are all supposed to use this phrase or supposed to word our disclosure in such a way as to minimize others' discomfort, to preemptively apologize in case we trespass against what is considered socially acceptable to publicly, or even privately, discuss.
These occurrences have referenced topics including:
menstrual cycle imbalances
period cramps or other discomforts while bleeding
endometriosis, polycystic ovarian syndrome, and premenstrual dysphoric disorder
fertility issues and childbirth experiences
postpartum feelings and body experiences
urinary tract and yeast infections
pain and discomfort during sex
inability to orgasm
infections from piercings
issues of any kind relating to how the body naturally functions
Because I spend time in spaces that deep dive into the full spectrum of experiences and health issues concerning women’s bodies, I regularly hear about these topics discussed in a straightforward and matter-of-fact manner where there is no apology issued before divulging something not typically part of the wider cultural discourse.
But it's always a bit jarring when I leave these spaces and enter back into the rest of the world where I find women apologizing or using language to cater to my assumed discomfort, speaking in hushed tones as if discussing some secret taboo, rather than acknowledging the reality that their experiences are normal, widespread, and shared by women every day in every part of the world.
Here’s the truth:
“It's not ‘too much information’ to discuss being a woman having a woman's experience.”
Or even a human having a human experience. And please, please, please stop apologizing for it.
These are all normal parts of being alive in a female body. Let's normalize talking about our experiences as women and all that we go through in our lifetime.
Oddly, I have never heard anyone apologize or worry about being “too much” before sharing about the following topics:
diets, counting calories, and losing weight
manicures and pedicures
makeup, hair extensions, and teeth whiteners
getting a piercing
bikini waxes and laser hair removal
Botox, lip fillers, and liposuction
plastic surgery aimed at fixing perceived flaws
What do all of these topics have in common? These processes, rituals, and procedures focus on our outer appearance, focused on maintaining the image and aesthetic of what we believe a woman should look like.
“And yet the actual lived experience of being a woman is considered taboo, too much, a little inappropriate to talk about. We don't want to acknowledge what's underneath the façade.”
Our society encourages and glorifies what's on the outside, and as a result, we put our focus on maintaining our outer appearance and pretend our inner experience doesn’t exist. We fear dropping the mask, even with our closest female friends, the people most likely to validate and empathize with our stories, because we have been conditioned to feel shame and stigma, to feel we are “too much.”
And if we must bring up our experiences in conversation, we apologize for the inconvenience, the burden, the departure from societal norms, implying to ourselves and those who listen that the subject matter might be objectionable to articulate out loud.
This cultural conditioning to apologize for being female, along with the belief that women are too much simply by having natural and common experiences, is pervasive. And it isn't going to go away unless individual women choose to stop buying into these ideas. This means getting more comfortable with our lived reality enough to drop the curated aesthetic we have been taught to portray.
This also means acknowledging the extent to which our behaviors have been influenced by the messages and beliefs regarding which parts of female reality are acceptable and which parts must remain hidden.
If you are ready to boldly share your experiences of living life in your body, here are a few suggestions for how to make it happen:
STOP APOLOGIZING FOR BEING A WOMAN
It bears repeating because this habit is so ingrained in women everywhere. If you weren't aware of it before, you might start noticing women apologizing all around you now that it's on your mind. If you find yourself saying sorry in situations that don't actually warrant that sentiment, I invite you to delete the word from your vocabulary entirely.
Every time you apologize for sharing your unfiltered experience, you are subconsciously training yourself that:
women’s bodies, natural processes, and inner experiences are taboo
there’s something wrong or shameful about what you’re sharing
your share isn’t worthy of discussion or you need to ask permission to divulge
an abridged version of your story would be more polite
Furthermore, you are signaling to the women around you that their full stories are also not welcome without censorship or apology. Let’s put a stop to this.
CHOOSE YOUR LANGUAGE INTENTIONALLY
Language matters. The language you use, hear, and internalize matters. The language you impart to other women matters. Pay attention to the language you’re using. May it a priority to speak intentionally.
What tone do you use when sharing stories about your body’s experience?
Are you attaching negativity or judgment to what you share?
Are you glossing over the grittier details to make something more palatable?
What are you implying by the language you choose to use?
Practice speaking in a way that conveys full ownership of your experience.
ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR OWN DISCOMFORT
It’s normal to feel some inner resistance or discomfort when bringing up topics that are not culturally acceptable to openly discuss. Notice and acknowledge where this might be the case for you.
What comes up when you start to share something you believe might make someone else feel uncomfortable?
What feelings, thoughts, or sensations arise in your body?
How do you react to the discomfort?
To what extent can you practice validating your experience as worthy of sharing?
NORMALIZE YOUR EXPERIENCE IN A FEMALE BODY
Simply owning your experience is powerful, especially as a woman. You don't need to share anything that you don't want to, but if you do choose to share, practice being unapologetic about what you're going through.
When I am actively bleeding each month, I typically choose not to carry on as usual. I don’t pretend that it’s any other day of the month and instead I alter my behavior to take care of my body. If there is a social engagement or any kind of optional activity, I usually choose not to participate and instead prioritize rest. In the past few years, I've made it a point to explicitly tell my friends the reason I am not participating is simply because I’m on my period.
“For me, the menstrual phase of my cycle has become a very intentional time of rest and inward focus, a way of honoring and acknowledging my biological reality as a woman in my reproductive years.”
Yet for the longest time I used to say something more generic about how I wasn’t feeling well as an excuse to not join activities. I was stuck in the conditioning that my experience during the menstrual phase of my cycle just wasn’t painful or extreme enough to warrant acting differently at this time of the month, particularly when so many women experience debilitating symptoms and mine usually amount to a day of mild discomfort.
These days it’s quite outside the norm to actively choose to rest during menstruation, particularly in Westernized countries where women largely adopt the attitude that bleeding each month is a nuisance at best and a curse at worst.
I felt like I needed a “valid” reason to justify taking care of myself, despite knowing the importance of menstrual cycle care in women’s overall health and despite understanding my body’s desire to slow down, turn inward, and simply be without doing.
We don't often see this modeled in the wider collective, this unapologetic stance of being a woman at a particular phase of life and not pretending otherwise, though things are gradually changing. Many of us are still too polite, too self-conscious, and too worried what other people think.
“Yet normalizing the reality of our bodies is so important and gives other women permission to do the same.”
Multiple women have reflected back to me how hearing my own forthright stance on taking care of myself has shifted how they view their own relationship with their bodies and allowed them to reimagine how they take care of themselves. By normalizing our experiences in female bodies, each one of us has the power to do this for the women in our lives. So let’s do it!
