Our Dreams Are Meant For Us
I’ve been sitting with this question that I can’t get out of my head: why do some women pursue their dreams while others choose not to?
I’m talking about the big dreams, the ones that latch onto our minds and won’t leave us alone.
The ones that inspire us and also kind of scare us because we know they demand a different version of us, one that isn’t quite yet here.
The ones silently pleading with us to take even the tiniest of steps in the direction of what could be, if only we could muster the courage.
The ones we might never dare utter aloud in case they’re too big, too far beyond the realm of what we believe is possible.
The ones we revisit again and again, sometimes in secret, hoping that maybe just maybe if we’re one of the lucky few, they might come true for us.
Every one of us has these dreams yet we don’t all act on them.
Why is that the case?
“What is stopping so many of us from going after what we desire?”
Let’s start with the obvious, the entire spectrum of fears that freeze us in our tracks:
First up is the fear of failure.
We look at the odds and decide the outcome we seek is unlikely. The chances of success are far too slim.
We’re afraid we lack the discipline, the work ethic necessary to get it all done.
What if our dream demands more than we have to give and we can’t make it happen? What if we try our best, give it our all but aren’t able to weather the setbacks and still come up short despite our efforts?
How devastating that would be, to live with the knowledge that we couldn’t do it!
Perhaps we don’t see failure as part of the learning process, a steppingstone intended to sharpen our perseverance, to test our commitment, our ability to bounce back and rise again.
Instead we determine the rewards don’t outweigh the risk. It’s too difficult, we’ll never get there. We lack the knowledge and skills required. Better to not even try.
Then there’s fear disguised as practicality.
We're already overstretched. We have too much on our plate. We don’t have the time, the resources, the energy or support. It will take too long, it’s too much effort. Those kinds of lofty dreams aren’t realistic, they’re highly unattainable, seriously improbable.
The litany of excuses camouflaged as practical common sense.
It’s not what normal people do, not if they’re living in the real world. Better to not look foolish by chasing a pipe dream, not when there are practical matters to attend to.
It won’t work out anyway, we think.
Or perhaps it’s the fear of change partnered with the fear of the unknown.
The certain lack of certainty that naturally arises the moment we venture beyond our comfort zone. Our nervous system reminds us safety lies in what’s familiar and what can’t be predicted is a bit too dicey.
We’d rather take our chances on a sure bet. After all there are no guarantees and we have too much to lose. The prestige and accolades we’ve already earned, the titles and status we’ve already acquired.
We’re comfortable where we are and don’t want to let go of what we have for what could be.
Things are good enough. Sure we might want more but we have everything we need.
Why risk it all to start over?
Also rather frightening is the fear of claiming what we want, of taking up space, of stepping into our power.
We think if we don’t name it, we won’t have to claim it. To own our decisions or be the one in charge. To take full responsibility for making things happen. To defend our desires against those who might disagree.
Instead of owning our vision, we can sidestep the discomfort that arises with trying to be a bigger version of ourselves.
We get to continue hiding and stay on the sensible path. We never have to engage in the treacherous process of unearthing what’s unshakable inside of us, to build the inner resilience required to overcome the doubts and critiques.
We don’t have to look in the mirror and acknowledge that maybe we’ve fallen into a life that was never meant for us and we aren’t sure how to get out.
And after all of that there’s a fear yet to consider: the fear of what other people think.
In a perfect world everyone would support our vision, have our backs and feel excited when we commit to something new.
But our dreams aren't always so universally palatable to those in our life and their reactions and opinions can cripple us if we haven’t yet cultivated a strong sense of self, an unwavering faith in our own abilities.
The judgements, the disappointments, people whispering behind our backs. Gossiping in the corridors, making an offhand comment.
We’re afraid they’ll see us starting over, beginning again, not knowing what we’re doing and making mistakes. Witnessing our process before we have it all figured out.
We might not recognize that those very same people, talking behind our backs, the ones we spend the most time with, also aren’t pursuing their dreams, and have skewed our view of what’s normal and possible.
And so we come up against a choice:
Do we honor what calls to us or do we choose what someone else has already decided for us? Do we respect ourselves enough to claim our dreams as worthy or do justify staying within the status quo?
There’s so much fear, yet we all face these fears. Fear is a part of life, so what determines whether we move past the fear?
Maybe we need to go deeper, to delve into our conditioning from the past. To place a magnifying glass over what we’ve been taught to think, to value and believe.
To look at the narratives from our culture, the patriarchy, the world around us.
We know that women are taught to seek attention, validation, and above all permission. Not to think for ourselves (let the experts do that!), be bold, or act as the authorities in charge of our lives.
We’re groomed to look externally for love and praise and belonging and maybe those get put on the chopping block if we stray beyond what’s expected.
Maybe we’ve been living the life chosen for us, too busy pursuing someone else’s dream that we’ve neglected to tend to our own.
Or maybe we’ve never been allowed to get in touch with what we desire deep down and wouldn’t recognize our biggest dream if it stood right in front of us.
We’re struggling with surviving so the idea of truly thriving seems laughable and ridiculous.
The conditioning runs deep and consumes us whole if we’re not careful.
But how are some women able to break free of this conditioning, shed it like a snakeskin, and say enough is enough, I’m going to live for me, damned be the consequences, while others stay stagnant worshipping the shoulds?
What if the reason lies deeper still? Maybe it’s us, Maybe we’re the problem, the ones who act as our own worst critics, the ones who doubt we have what it takes?
We don't even need someone to tell us not to go after what we want, we can do it ourselves. Place limits on our potential without a second thought.
We reason we can’t do it to the standard we want, we can’t do it to perfection, so better to give up before we’ve even begun.
There’s too much standing in our way, too many obstacles to overcome. We’re set in our ways, and taking ownership of our dream is just too hard.
But what happens if we don’t go after our dreams, if we choose to stay safe? What does that mean for us mentally, emotionally, spiritually?
What about the parts of us that start to wither and decay as we suppress the inner knowing that we could be doing things differently?
If we self-abandon, dim our own light, live a smaller life that we are meant to?
If we give into the fears, the conditioning, the self-doubt? If we allow the trap of good enough to keep us stuck?
What if we do this so consistently, so competently, that we reach the end of our lives without ever truly living for ourselves?
What becomes of us then? What does this mean for all those we were meant to touch and inspire if only we could have risen but instead we opted to dull and diminish ourselves?
How is that we remain so stuck when some women are able to make a different choice?
What catalyzes some women to envision a wildly different reality from the one they’ve been taught to embrace while others don’t dare to let their imaginations play with possibilities?
What gives some women the confidence to take tangible steps to bring their vision to life while others choose to follow the path that’s expected, repeating the same actions even if they aren’t satisfied with the result?
Why do some women persevere, committing to see a dream all the way through to the end, while others simply fold as the early obstacles roll in?
Maybe it’s a combination of the factors explored above, or maybe it's something else entirely. Maybe it's deeply personal for each one of us, or perhaps we say it is when it’s really just a universal part of the human experience.
I don’t have the answers, but I do know this: our dreams are meant for us.
They are waiting for us to dust them off, claim them fully, and take the tiniest of bold steps in the direction of bringing them to life. Our dreams are our personal initiations, meant to mold us into new form.
These little nudges and subtle whispers are pointing us in the direction we were always meant to traverse.
They are our becoming, what creates us into who we always were and were meant to be.
And so what if we decide to go big and we don’t succeed? We cast aside the fears and it still doesn’t work out?
Maybe we don’t yet see that sometimes the pursuit isn’t about the dream at all.
“Sometimes it’s about who we become along the way, how we face our limiting beliefs and grapple with our own insecurities, how we develop the stamina to stand in the fire and let it shape us into something new and different we couldn’t be before.”
It's about the willingness to show up as more of ourselves, to shed what isn't truly us, to make space for something more aligned, something we didn’t quite envision and if only we can trust the process of death and rebirth.
Pursuing our dreams in a big ways challenges us to face ourselves, to meet our edge, and consciously decide to step past the bounds of our self-imposed limits.
If we don't go for our dreams and give it our all, we never truly know what we are capable of, we risk living with the perception of ourselves based on what others have told us who we are. In letting them die, we rob ourselves of becoming who we’re meant to become, we live smaller lives than we were ever meant to.
It comes down to this: are you going to follow the path laid out before you or chart your own? Are you going to be one of the few dares to boldly go after what she wants?
